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The Bachelorette recap: Crimes of passion at the Hague

Fool us once, Hannah, shame on you. Fool us 8 episodes in a row (technically 7.5, I suppose), then shame on us all. In all of my 174 years of watching The Bachelorette franchise, rose lovers, I have never felt a stronger urge to conscientiously object to a season by (God help me) turning it…

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The Bachelorette recap: Crimes of passion at the Hague

Kristen Baldwin

Fool us once, Hannah, shame on you. Fool us 8 episodes in a row (technically 7.5, I suppose), then shame on us all. In all of my 174 years of watching The Bachelorette franchise, rose lovers, I have never felt a stronger urge to conscientiously object to a season by (God help me) turning it off. Once again, Ms. Alabama Hannah gave a rose to the gaslighting, controlling, baloney-devouring, Christian cosplayer known as Luke P. It’s almost too much for a fan to bear.

But the truth is, dear rose lovers, I’ll never have the strength to turn this damn show off, even as our Bachelorette chooses to forsake us and anything resembling sound judgment. If you’re sticking around, join me as we break down the latest leg of Hannah’s “journey.”

We begin in the tulip-covered fields of the Netherlands, where Hannah is ready to Open Up™ to her seven remaining men. By the end of this week, we’ll be down to the final four dudes who’ll take Hannah on hometown dates. The first one-on-one of the week goes to singer-songwriter-ghoster Jed — and I have to say, the look of disappointment on poor Connor’s face was enough to break your heart.

What’s a baby-faced investment analyst gotta do to get a second one-on-one date, Hannah?

For their second “exploring the city” date, Hannah and Jed try some chocolate, dance, and heel-click to the jaunty music of a hurdy-gurdy, and make small talk with a local couple. When the woman enquires about their nationality, Jed replies that they are “English,” because… he’s an idiot, apparently? (“American!” Hannah says. “We’re not English!”) Of course, this adorable old couple from the Netherlands have been married 54 years — and they only knew each other 10 days before getting married. (Props to the Bachelor interns for finding yet another “cute foreign couple who proves rapid courtships can work.”)

The encounter with the sweet old couple makes Hannah feel all mushy inside, but she’s still too anxious to express it. “I just don’t know what to say to these guys that I really have feelings for,” she laments. “I know I’m supposed to trust and not be afraid… It’s just hard.”

For the evening portion of her date with Jed, Hannah definitely brings the glamour.

Girlfriend loves a pop of color and a statement necklace! Will her latest bold look embolden the Bachelorette to tell Jed how she feels? Let’s listen in… “I have feelings for multiple people here, and I don’t know what to do,” she says. “You have noticed that I’m holding back, and I’m holding back everyone and everything because I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

No matter how you feel about Jed given recent headlines, you do have to give him credit for the smooth way he handles Hannah’s confession. He offers to “take some” of Hannah’s emotional burden: “Whatever I have to do. If I have to hear about things that I don’t like, that’s just how it goes in relationships sometimes. You have to share things that don’t make you happy, but you do it because you love that person.”

Oh boy, does Hannah LOVE it. With a giddy grin, the Bachelorette reveals that their heel-click moment earlier in the day was a true revelation.

“It feels really good, but it also feels really scary,” Hannah continues. “Because I don’t know what the end of this is for me.” Don’t worry about it now, mama — Jed is just fine to live in the moment. “My heart just fell through the earth,” he gushes. “Wow.” Congrats on your victory, Jed, however temporary it may prove to be. Now bring that date rose back to the hotel and make all the other dudes jealous. (Especially Luke. That jackass deserves it.)

Date number two of the week goes to Tyler and his rolled-up jeans. But his metrosexual cowboy look is called for because today he and Hannah will b

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